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What is compersion?
Compersion is the pleasure or joy you feel when something good happens to someone you care about. In the context of relationships, the term often describes being happy about a partner's romantic or sexual connection with someone else. This doesn’t necessarily mean the partner is having sex, and encompasses a whole range of romantic or sexual feelings.
Compersion is most commonly associated with polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous relationships, but the feeling isn't exclusive to these relationship structures. Feeling compersion doesn't mean you won't also experience jealousy or insecurity. You can be happy for your partner and still have complicated feelings of your own.
Where does the term compersion come from?
The word compersion originated with the Kerista community in San Francisco, which practiced a form of non-monogamy called polyfidelity. From there, the term spread through polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous communities.
The word compersion can also be used to just describe the general happiness that comes from seeing someone you love experience joy, however this is used less frequently.
Compersion vs. jealousy
Compersion is often described as the opposite of jealousy, however, the true picture is a little more nuanced.
While compersion is about feeling happy for your partner, jealousy can involve fear or insecurity about losing something important to you. You can definitely experience both at the same time.
For example, you might be happy that your partner had a great time on a date while still feeling nervous about what that relationship could mean for you. Feeling one doesn't necessarily make the other go away. In fact, openly talking about the push and pull of these seemingly contradictory feelings is often what allows us to engage in healthy communication.
Is compersion only for non-monogamous relationships?
Although the term has strong roots in polyamorous and non-monogamous communities, the basic idea behind compersion can apply to all relationships.
You might feel something similar when your partner gets a promotion they're excited about, makes a new friend, or has a great experience that doesn’t have to do with you. Their happiness can feel good to you too, even when it has nothing to do with you. Likewise, you may feel jealousy or insecurity - all of these are valid emotions. It’s what we do with them that counts.
Importantly, the term compersion isn't typically used in monogamous relationships, even though you've experienced the feeling of being happy for your partner.
Can compersion be learned?
Compersion isn't something that comes naturally to everyone, and it can't always be forced. Trying to make yourself feel happy when you're actually uncomfortable could be a sign you're ignoring how you really feel.
Compersion may come more easily as you feel more secure in the relationship or get used to a situation, but that doesn't mean you'll feel it every time. Those who frequently experience compersion have access to some level of security in the day to day life of their relationship, garnering a sense of stability that can navigate these experiences.
Related terms
Jealousy: The fear or discomfort that can arise when you feel that an important relationship,connection or part of your identity may be threatened.
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM): A broad term for relationship structures in which everyone involved agrees that romantic or sexual relationships with more than one person are permitted.
Trust issues: When experiences in a relationship make it harder to feel secure or trust your partner.
