Family Systems Theory

Family systems theory

Family systems theory looks at what happens between people in a family. If one person is stressed, upset, or going through something difficult, other family members often react to it too. Over time, families can fall into familiar ways of responding to each other.

Psychiatrist Murray Bowen first developed these ideas while working with families in the 1950s.

TL;DR

Family systems theory looks at how people in a family affect each other. Over time, families get used to certain ways of dealing with stress, conflict, and closeness. You may grow up, move out, and build a life of your own, but some of those familiar reactions can still show up with a partner. Looking at where they came from can help you understand why certain situations feel so familiar.

What is family systems theory?

Think about what happens when someone in the family is having a rough week. Maybe they're more irritable than usual, and everyone else starts picking up on it. Their partner is careful about what they say. The kids can tell something's off too, even if nothing has been said out loud.

Family systems theory looks at those connections and what happens between people when one person is struggling.

Where does family systems theory come from?

Family systems theory goes back to psychiatrist Murray Bowen's work in the 1950s. While working with families, Bowen noticed that it was difficult to understand what one person was going through without looking at the people around them too. That became the basis of what we now call Bowen family systems theory.

Salvador Minuchin took some of these ideas in a different direction when he developed structural family therapy. He was especially interested in family roles and boundaries, and what happens when those start causing problems.

Key concepts in family systems theory

Bowen's theory includes several ideas for understanding what happens inside families. Some are about how we hold onto our own identity around people we're close to. Others look at conflict or patterns that get passed from one generation to the next.

Differentiation of self

Imagine your parents expect you to spend every holiday with them, but this year you want to go somewhere else. You know what you want to do. Saying it out loud is the hard part.

You might feel guilty before you've even told them. Before you've even told them, you're already thinking about how they'll react.

Triangulation

A parent is angry with their partner but talks to their teenager about it instead. Or two siblings are fighting and both start calling their mom to get her on their side. Bowen referred to this as a triangle.

And if this happens every time there's a fight, that third person can end up getting pulled into problems that weren't originally theirs.

Emotional interdependence

People in families affect one another emotionally. If someone is anxious or upset, other people in the family are likely to respond in some way.

Someone walks through the door clearly angry and suddenly everyone is paying attention to their mood. Maybe their partner starts asking what's wrong and everyone else gets a little quieter.

Multigenerational transmission

You may notice yourself doing something in a relationship and suddenly realize, Oh wow, my mom used to do this.

Maybe nobody in your family talked during an argument until everyone had cooled off. Years later, you find yourself needing the same thing when you fight with your partner.

Roles and boundaries

People can fall into pretty recognizable roles within a family. Maybe you're the sibling everyone calls when there's a problem. Maybe one person is expected to keep everyone happy.

Boundaries can develop around these roles too. In some families, parents and adult children talk about nearly every decision. In others, certain topics are considered private.

Problems can come up when there isn't much room to step outside of those expectations. Enmeshment is one example of what can happen when boundaries between family members become blurry.

How family systems theory shows up in everyday relationships

Maybe arguments in your family meant everyone went quiet for a while. Years later, you may go quiet with your partner without really thinking about why. Or maybe you're always the one trying to calm things down because that's what you did at home. These reactions can feel so familiar that you don't really question them. You may have been responding this way for years.

Family systems theory in counseling

Say one partner tends to pull away when an argument gets intense. The other hates being shut out, so they push harder for an answer. That makes the first person want even more space.

In counseling, a relationship expert might ask the couple to slow that moment down. When does one person start pulling away? What usually happens right before that?

Systems ideas can be used with couples and families, but they can also come up when someone is working individually.

A concrete example

In session, one partner shuts down mid-argument, and the other starts asking more questions to get a reaction, which makes the first partner shut down further. 

When we slowed that sequence down, it turned out the withdrawing partner had grown up in a house where raised voices meant things were about to get unsafe, so going quiet wasn't disinterest, it was self-protection learned early. 

Naming that origin didn't fix the pattern overnight, but it gave both partners a different way to talk about it than "you don't care" versus "you're too much."

Family systems theory vs. individual therapy

If someone keeps getting overwhelmed during arguments, individual work might focus on what they're feeling and experiencing in those moments.

A family systems approach may also ask what's happening with the other person. What did they say? What happened next? Does this argument usually play out the same way?

There's room for both.

I had a client whose individual sessions focused on the wave of panic she felt the moment her partner raised his voice, that part was hers to understand. But looking at the two of them as a system showed something individual work alone wouldn't have caught: her partner raised his voice specifically when he felt unheard, and her panic response made him feel even more unheard, which made him raise his voice further. 

Neither piece told the whole story on its own.