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Triangulation in relationships
Triangulation happens when a third person gets pulled into an issue between two people (often partners) instead of those two people dealing with each other or the conflict directly. You might complain to a friend and hope they’ll say something to your partner, ask your child to pass a message to your co-parent, or even bring up an ex to get a reaction.
TL;DR: Triangulation is when someone brings a third person into a conflict instead of addressing the issue directly with the person involved.
What is triangulation?
Triangulation occurs when a problem between two people is turned into a three-person dynamic. Instead of telling your partner that you’re upset, for example, you tell someone else and involve them in what’s happening between you.
In relationships, triangulation is often a method of conflict avoidance or passive-aggressive conflict behaviour. By using a third person, a partner can avoid directly expressing needs or a request.
Importantly, the third person doesn’t always have to be present in the conversation. Comparing your partner to an ex or repeatedly bringing up what someone else thinks is another form of triangulation.
What does triangulation look like?
One example is telling a mutual friend what’s bothering you and asking them to say something to your partner. Comparing your partner to someone else during an argument can be another example, especially when you know the comparison is going to get a reaction.
It can happen in families too. One parent might tell a child to talk to the other parent in lieu of directly communicating with them. When children regularly get pulled into disagreements between parents, it can also blur some of the boundaries that help family members maintain a separate sense of self. This impacts childhood development as well as the exclusivity of the relationship.
In a friend group, two people who are having an issue might both turn to the same friend instead of talking to each other. Before long, that friend is stuck in the middle of something that was best worked out between the other two.
At work, you might hear from other coworkers that someone has a problem with you, even though they’ve never said anything to you about it.
Why do people triangulate?
Direct conversations can be uncomfortable. You may talk to someone else first because you’re nervous about bringing the issue up with your partner. Additionally, someone may engage in triangulation because they feel that the message would be better received from someone else.
Sometimes people are looking for reassurance that they’re right. Hearing a friend agree with you can feel good when you’re angry or unsure of yourself, especially if you’re already feeling insecure in the relationship.
Triangulation can also be used more deliberately. Bringing up an ex to make your partner jealous or getting other people to take your side during a disagreement can shift the dynamic without addressing the original problem.
Some people struggle to say what’s bothering them when there’s tension. If they tend to shut down during conflict, talking to someone else first can feel a lot easier.
Is triangulation always harmful?
No. Bringing another person into the picture isn’t enough on its own to make something triangulation.
There’s nothing wrong with calling a friend after a fight because you need to talk. The dynamic changes when that friend starts getting pulled into the problem between you and your partner.
Outside support can be healthy (and, in the case of professional support, sometimes essential). The question is what role that person is being asked to play in something that’s happening between you and your partner.
How to respond to triangulation
If someone keeps pulling you into a problem they have with another person, you don’t have to become the messenger. You can listen without agreeing to pass something along or take sides.
If it’s happening in your own relationship, bring the conversation back to what’s happening between the two of you. Instead of arguing over what a friend, parent, or ex thinks, talk about the issue that brought that person into the conversation.
Think about what you want from the person you’re bringing into the conversation. Are you looking for support, or are you hoping they’ll step in so you don’t have to talk to your partner directly? Considering your needs and hopes first is essential to effective communication.
And if the conversation becomes overwhelming, you don’t have to force it in the moment. Taking some time to come down from emotional flooding can make it easier to come back to the issue later.
Triangulation vs. related terms
Stonewalling: Stonewalling means withdrawing or shutting down during an interaction. Triangulation brings somebody else into the dynamic instead.
Breadcrumbing: Breadcrumbing involves giving someone just enough attention to keep them interested without offering consistent connection. It’s different from triangulation, although bringing up another romantic interest could sometimes be used to provoke a reaction.
Enmeshment: Enmeshment involves boundaries becoming blurred between people. Triangulation can contribute to this when someone is repeatedly pulled into conflicts that don’t belong to them.
FAQs about triangulation in relationships
Is triangulation a form of manipulation?
It can be. Someone may deliberately involve another person to create jealousy, gain support, or put pressure on their partner. But triangulation can also happen because someone is uncomfortable dealing with conflict directly.
What’s the difference between triangulation and venting to a friend?
Venting to a friend can simply be a way to get support or sort through what you’re feeling. It becomes a different dynamic when the friend is pulled into the conflict, such as being asked to pass along messages or take sides.
Is triangulation a sign of a toxic relationship?
Triangulation can create problems in a relationship, but the behavior alone doesn’t tell you whether the entire relationship is “toxic.” It’s more useful to look at how often it happens and whether the couple can talk about problems directly.
Can triangulation happen in families, not just romantic relationships?
Yes. A parent might use a child to communicate with the other parent or pull another family member into an argument. Over time, the person in the middle may feel pressured to take sides.
How do you stop a triangulation pattern?
Start by bringing the issue back to the people it actually involves. That may mean talking to your partner directly instead of asking someone else to deliver the message or support your side.
Is triangulation the same as a love triangle?
No. A love triangle usually refers to three people connected through romantic feelings or relationships. Triangulation describes a communication dynamic where a third person is brought into an issue between two people.
