arenting in general is difficult, and parenting after a breakup is often more so. Mismatched parenting and communication styles can turn co-parenting into a source of hurt, frustration, and exasperation for many. In this article, the OurRitual Experts explain why co-parenting can be so difficult and how to work with conflict when it keeps arising.
What is co-parenting (and why is it difficult)?
Co-parenting refers to the ongoing relationship between two parents who have separated but continue to share responsibility for raising their child. It involves coordinating schedules, making decisions about health and well-being, and maintaining consistent care across two homes.
The tension that often arises from this makes sense: you’re collaborating with someone you likely separated from because you couldn’t work together in the first place. You’re navigating logistics with an ex while managing emotions about the breakup, adjusting to a new living situation, and trying to provide stability for your child. Early on, small disagreements flare easily, and because parenting triggers strong protective emotions, conflict can quickly escalate.
What does “high-conflict” co-parenting look like?
High-conflict co-parenting isn’t about how often you disagree but how conflict is managed. It’s marked by frequent tension, quick escalation, and communication breakdowns. It often looks like:
* Constant fighting about parenting decisions
* A lingering attitude of contempt about your ex
* Heated text exchanges at drop-off
* Using the child as a messenger
* Feeling like you need to “win” every disagreement
The defining feature here is that the conflict doesn’t resolve. Instead, it resurfaces again and again.
Expectations make things difficult
On top of navigating an ex and raising your child, there’s a layer of pressure from expectations. Sometimes these come from others—family, friends, ex-partners, even new partners. Sometimes they come from within:
* “I’m doing everything wrong.”
* “My child will resent me.”
* “I should manage conflict better.”
* “I should agree with my ex.”
The difficulties of co-parenting are individualised. What works for one family may be unrealistic for another. Those polished social media posts showing amicable co-parents at birthday parties might be genuine, but they’re not the standard. Comparing yourself to an idealised version of co-parenting only adds unnecessary pressure.
Where co-parents get stuck?
A common misconception is that a “happy middle” or perfect compromise exists. Most people separate because they cannot work together. The irony is that once a child is involved, we suddenly expect ourselves to work seamlessly with our ex. This expectation creates another unnecessary layer of difficulty.
Parents often exhaust themselves trying to find the “best” way to handle disagreements or over-invest in the story their ex tells about them while they are not present. But working with an ex is different from working with a partner. With a partner, you seek a compromise. **With an ex, the task is to manage what is within your control and accept what isn't.
Breaking open the narrative
Under most co-parenting conflicts sits a familiar belief: “I’m right, they’re wrong.”
* “I only let my child eat healthy food; my ex lets them eat junk.”
* “I encourage play and rest; they’re too strict.”
* “I have a consistent bedtime; they let my child stay up.”
* “I’m raising them to be kind to themselves; they focus on school performance.”
Beneath all this frustration is a lot of care. We all want to be good parents, and seeing an ex do things differently can feel like it erases our effort. The child becomes a kind of emotional bank account: we deposit as much as we can, and they withdraw everything.
But children are not like this. Children are adaptive and can navigate different rules in different homes. What matters most is that you do what you can: making sure your home provides love, safety, and consistency for them. The rest is mostly out of our control.
Accepting this matters because when we’re reactive, everyone suffers. Children can’t understand the nuance of conflict: they only feel tension and gradually internalise it. Our priority should move from getting co-parenting “right” to making sure our child feels seen, loved, and safe as often as we can.
Care, not compromise
People often ask: “So...what do I do now?” The answer is reframing how you approach co-parenting. When everyone lived under one roof, compromise was necessary. If one parent wanted an 8 pm bedtime and the other preferred 9 pm, 8:30 pm might have worked.
With co-parenting, you cannot operate this way. Trying to influence what happens in your ex’s home is a guaranteed path to frustration because you are attempting to control what is essentially uncontrollable.
Instead, the priority should be to emphasise care. Showing up for your child, communicating respectfully with them, and using kind boundaries are the bedrock of this. This can look like:
* Sticking to agreed pick-up and drop-off agreements
* Showing enthusiasm when you see your child
* Keeping them out of adult conflict
* Speaking kindly and emphasising love and care
* Modelling appropriate communication with others
* Having clear household rules without blaming the ex (“In our house, we wash our hands before dinner”, not adding a comment about the ex to the end)
These practices help your child internalise essential beliefs. Instead of feeling that "I cause conflict" or "Something is wrong", they develop healthier core beliefs:
* I am seen
* I am loved
* I am safe
Self-care matters here. Managing an ex and raising a child is emotionally taxing, so it is vital to prioritise routines that recharge you: sleep, exercise, social connection, and predictable downtime. When you are calmer, you are less likely to react in ways that escalate conflict. Therapy or counseling for parents (whether individual or together) can also help process grief, anger, and the ongoing stress of co-parenting.
It’s worth remembering that consistency does not mean identical. A child benefits from predictable routines, limits, and warmth; however, they do not need both homes to mirror each other exactly. Focus on the underlying principles, yet allow flexibility in how they play out.
When parents (even if it's just one of them) start to do this, interactions begin to look a little different: when we don't over-invest in our ex's parenting, conflict becomes much less explosive. We are able to approach difficult conversations with a level head, and our child tends to notice. They start to have a steady mood and develop resilience during the inevitable rough patches.
Communicating with an ex
You may have noticed that very little in this piece focuses on what to "do" about your ex. That’s intentional. You cannot control what happens outside your time with your child.
But sometimes you must communicate. When you do:
* Be clear and factual. Stick to logistics: “School pick-up is at 3:15 pm on Friday. Can we meet then?”
* Show up with the level of respect that reflects the parent you want to be (this models kind behaviour for your child).
* Keep communication focused on the child, not your feelings about the past.
* Use written communication when necessary. This gives you time to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting.
The journey towards better co-parenting is achieved gradually and is never truly complete. Every civil interaction, every conflict avoided or managed, is a step in the right direction. Remember to keep kind, stay aware, and celebrate those small wins. You got this.
FAQs
Isn’t couples therapy just for people in a relationship?
Co-parents often attend couples therapy to discuss co-parenting dynamics, process the end of the relationship, or explore concerns about their child. Couples therapy is about improving how two people work together, and isn't just for people currently in a relationship. Many co-parents use therapy as a neutral space to discuss logistics, learn better ways of communicating, and resolve lingering disagreements.
What should I do if there is a legitimate safety concern?
Safety comes first here. Trust your instincts, but be wary of distinguishing between a genuine concern ("There is danger here") and disagreement ("Their parenting style makes me uncomfortable"). If you believe your child is unsafe, be sure to involve the appropriate organisations: child protection services, family court, or perhaps consider other forms of legal support.
What should I do if I have accidentally involved my child in a conflict with an ex?
The priority here is to focus on repairing and reinforcing your child’s sense of safety after the conflict. You can do this by acknowledging what happened in age-appropriate language: “I’m sorry you heard me say those things; that was not fair to you. We both love you very much.”
Be sure to remind them that adult disagreements are not their responsibility, and commit to doing better next time. Children don’t need perfect parents, but they do need ones who can recognise mistakes and work towards repairing them.
