What is ethical non-monogamy (ENM)?
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is a relationship structure where everyone involved agrees that romantic or sexual connections with other people are okay. Everyone knows about and consents to the arrangement. Importantly, ENM is specific to every relationship, with different boundaries and arrangements in place.
TL;DR
Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for relationships that aren't sexually or romantically exclusive to a single partner. There are different ways ENM can look, from polyamory to open relationships, and the boundaries aren’t necessarily the same for every couple or relationship. What makes it ethical is that the people involved know what they've agreed to. Every person consents to the relationship.
How is ethical non-monogamy different from cheating?
The biggest difference is consent. In an ENM relationship, partners have agreed that certain connections outside the relationship are okay. Cheating involves going outside the boundaries of what was agreed on, often without the other person knowing.
You can still cheat in an ENM relationship.
An open relationship doesn't mean anything goes. Partners decide together what they're comfortable with when it comes to other people. Going beyond those boundaries is still a breach of trust.
Many partners in ENM relationships engage in therapy to discuss what trust means specifically for their relationship.
What are the different types of ethical non-monogamy?
Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, and these terms don't always mean exactly the same thing to everyone. Some common types of ethical non-monogamy include:
Polyamory: Having, or being open to having, more than one romantic relationship at a time with the knowledge of everyone involved.
Open relationships: Partners agree that they can have romantic or sexual experiences with other people.
Relationship anarchy: An approach where people decide what each relationship means to them rather than following traditional relationship rules.
Swinging: Partners have sexual experiences with other people, sometimes together or in social settings, and both people agree to it.
ENM relationships don’t all look the same. Some don’t fit neatly into any of these categories.
Why do people choose ethical non-monogamy?
Some people value having more independence within their relationships, while others don't see romantic or sexual exclusivity as an important part of commitment. Others may want the freedom to have different kinds of connections with other people. What they want from ENM may change over time too.
Ethical non-monogamy is a lot more common than we might assume. In fact, relationships that go beyond two partners are very common in many cultures, and even throughout the animal kingdom. There are many reasons people choose to have an ethically non-monogamous relationship.
ENM is a completely normal and valid relationship preference. It is important to not excessively question or criticize ENM individuals, and rather ask questions coming from well-intentioned and genuine curiosity.
Common misconceptions about ethical non-monogamy
One common misconception is that ENM is simply another name for cheating. The difference is that ENM is based on everyone knowing about and agreeing to the relationship structure. Consent is absolutely critical. That doesn't mean agreements aren’t ever broken, but having other partners isn't automatically a betrayal when it's something everyone has agreed to.
Another assumption is that people who practice ENM are less committed to their relationships. Commitment is a completely different thing to exclusivity. People in ENM relationships can still have long-term partnerships and make serious commitments to one another.
Related terms
Compersion: Feeling happiness or pleasure when someone you care about experiences something that makes them happy. In ENM relationships, the term is often used when talking about positive feelings toward a partner's connection with someone else.
Polyamory: Having more than one romantic relationship at a time, with everyone involved knowing about it.
Open relationship: A relationship in which partners agree that certain romantic or sexual connections outside the relationship are allowed.
Jealousy: Feelings of fear or insecurity that can come up when something important to you feels threatened.
