onflict is a necessary part of relationships, but the difference between constructive and destructive conflict lies in how it is resolved. Conflict resolution can take many forms, and it is essential to find the methods that work best for you and your partner.
In this article, the OurRitual team explores how conflict can be handled more effectively, sharing practical conflict resolution strategies in relationships that help disagreements strengthen your connection instead of harming it.
What is conflict resolution?
In relationships, we all know what conflict is: over time, different communication styles, priorities, and stressors all contribute to difficult moments between you and your partner. What isn't common knowledge, however, is that conflict is also a vital part of keeping a relationship going. By turning towards your partner with difficulties and airing frustrations, conflict can be a powerful way to build trust and express needs.
This sentiment may not resonate with you because, a lot of the time, conflict is not resolved effectively. Instead of learning, expressing, and advocating, when conflict is not resolved, it can lead to lingering frustration, building resentment, and less emotional safety in the relationship.
This difference really matters, and it shows. Unhappy and happy couples often "fight" roughly the same amount; however, the way they work through conflict differentiates these two groups. Successful conflict resolution turns moments of disconnection into repair (and sometimes, intimacy). So learning how to do it effectively is essential.
You will know conflict is well-resolved when you and your partner leave the interaction having:
- Learnt something you didn't know before
- Gained or restored appreciation for your partner
- Felt validated, respected, and emotionally safe
- Experienced acceptance that conflict is natural
Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Here's how to tap into successful conflict resolution in your relationship.
1. Understand - and express - it's a cycle
This is absolutely crucial when it comes to understanding - and ultimately, ending - a conflict with your partner. You are probably well-aware that conflict operates in cycles (if not, it may be time to talk to a couples therapist). Regardless of the content of the argument, you have likely noted that conflict can often feel repetitive in how it is handled. For example, you or your partner may almost always:
* Express frustrations about a "lack of effort."
* Respond to the other side by shutting down
* Respond to the other side by amping up and shouting
* Make a sarcastic comment about the lack of intimacy in the relationship
* Engage in defensive listening
Often, one action feeds into the other. Your partner's comment may lead you to shout, which then prompts them to say how frustrating you are, which leads you to talk about the housework, and so on.
The point is: conflict virtually always operates in cycles. And the sooner you can recognise and articulate this, the sooner you both are on your way to working through the conflict.
* "Hey, I notice that we're going back-and-forth again."
* "This is starting to feel like a lot of our other fights."
* "I'm sorry, I'm noticing that I am starting to raise my voice again. I'm trying to be aware of this."
The key here is in the delivery. Introduce this gently, maybe chuck in a little bit of self-deprecating humour, but most importantly, go slow. Conflict is consistent, but it doesn't have to be persistent. Noticing the cycle is your first chance out.
2. Go from attack to admit
Conflict often operates in three distinct stages: attack, admit, and collaborate. When you and your partner are airing frustrations, shouting, or getting defensive, you are in the attack stage of conflict. Tensions are high; we can't stand what our partner is saying, and things often get heated.
A good indicator that you are in this stage is that you are either talking over your partner or not listening, focusing instead on what you are trying to say.
Next up is the admit stage, where you and your partner slow things down and become self-reflective. As tension lowers, we start to access the interpersonal and empathetic parts of our brain again. You may start to acknowledge:
* "Hey, I'm sorry I kept cutting you off. That is really impolite."
* "I know I get hot-headed. It's not nice for me to do that, and I'm sorry."
* "I apologise - I get that it must be really frustrating when you keep having to repeat yourself to me."
This shift isn't easy: often, no one likes to be the first to admit they did the wrong thing, and it can feel like admitting that your partner is right. The truth is, it is not about right/wrong here. It is all about acknowledging that the conflict cycle is something you both contribute to. Solutions come later.
Here, it can be very easy to shift back into "attacking" our partner. For example:
* "I'm sorry for shouting, but you always just ignore me."
* "I know I'm stubborn. It's because you are so hard to work with."
* "I didn't mean to dismiss you, but I'm just sick of how often you bring things up with me."
As soon as "but" or "because" enters the conversation, you are probably off-course. Acknowledge the slip-up, and focus on what you are doing in this stage, not your partner.
A quick tip: if you keep slipping back into attack-mode, you may decide to take a break (e.g., 30 mins, an hour) between the attack and admit phases. This can be a great way to regulate ourselves and cool off. Do something that helps you self-regulate, e.g., go for a walk/go to the gym, do a mindful activity, or do something else to distract you for the time being.
3. Collaborate and ask: What's the solution?
After you and your partner have taken turns acknowledging the difficult parts you are bringing to the relationship, be sure to check in if there is anything you may have missed.
Here, you can gain invaluable insight into your own conflict behaviours. For example, your partner may point out that you swear a lot during conflicts, which makes them uncomfortable. Or perhaps they get too close physically, and you need some space.
The key here is (1) not blaming our partner (explain how it impacts you kindly), and (2) being open to feedback; If you can do this, congratulations! It is your superpower to manage conflict better next time.
Finally, it is time to ease into the third and final "collaborate" stage. This is where you and your partner can ask the question: "Is a solution needed?"
Sometimes, conflict is just something we go through the motions with; however, there is always something to learn or improve. Now that you are feeling validated, you and your partner can begin to discuss logistics: practical ways for you both to manage conflict better next time, or address things that are creating conflict in the first place.
Finding the off-ramp
Conflict is like being stuck on a roundabout - it goes round and round until we find an off-ramp. By recognising that you are in the cycle, calling it out, and going slower, you can begin to assess the situation and identify appropriate ways to resolve it. After that, you and your partner can work on solutions together.
We may not get it right all the time, but every conflict resolved is a step in the right direction of relationship growth.
FAQs
Why do we have three separate stages of conflict? Wouldn't it be better to just collaborate first?
Quite simply, our brains cannot think rationally when we are experiencing strong emotions or feeling invalidated. By going slow and validating each other, we can start to process information more effectively, without it feeling like a win-lose situation.
Many couples "race through" the process, trying to find solutions straight away. This often leads one or both partners to feel invalidated or dismissed.
Isn't constant fighting unhealthy?
A good way to assess whether conflict is helpful or harmful is to ask yourself:
* Am I and my partner safe?
* Am I able to continue looking after my physical/mental health?
If you answer no to either of these, it is time to seek professional support. Persistent, disrespectful, and abusive conflict is definitely something that needs to be addressed with a mental health or legal professional to ensure that both parties are safe and respected.
Will we ever stop fighting completely?
Highly unlikely. Our partner will always "trigger" a range of feelings in us (hopefully, mostly positive), which means we will experience conflict from time to time. Throw in life stressors like finances and family, and conflict is bound to happen. Respectful, contained conflict is not a sign of incompatibility - in fact, it may be your secret to relational growth.
