ommunication is the bedrock of any successful relationship. By navigating difficult subjects with empathy and care, couples build trust, appreciation, and a sense of mutual support. However, when you or your partner are engaging in defensive listening, you may be leaving a conversation feeling further behind than when you started. In this article, the OurRitual experts will explain what exactly defensive listening is, how it impacts relationships, and how to work with it better.
What is defensive listening?
Humans are social creatures, and our interactions often reflect how we are feeling. When we feel secure, we scan our interactions for signs of safety and connection. A simple gesture, such as a smile or a comment from our partner, is interpreted as a sign that they care about us and the relationship.
Defensive listening, on the other hand, is when we scan interactions for evidence of hostility. You can identify defensive listening when neutral or even positive comments are interpreted as personal attacks. Defensive listening often indicates an unmet need: we often feel most defensive when we feel threatened, insecure, or less-than.
Over time, defensive listening weakens trust and increases contempt in relationships. Contempt is the number one predictor of separation and relationship dissatisfaction, and is often both the cause and by-product of defensive listening.
What does it look like?
There are a few key indicators of defensive listening. Here are some common signs:
- Hearing blame when none exists: Our partner's request for help with the dishes could be seen as a personal attack.
- Interrupting our partner to show "our side": We may talk over or interrupt our partner mid-sentence to present the counter-argument.
- Shutting down and avoiding behaviours: Our partner could recoil or back away, feeling that we are personally attacking them.
- Engaging in counterattacks: A hostile response can indicate that the attack was perceived in the first place.
Above all, the largest indicator of defensive listening is that the conversation has an undercurrent of "blame" or "fault". When we are feeling defensive, it is easy to interpret a partner's comments as them blaming us or trying to compete. As soon as we feel there's a sense of right and wrong, we are probably engaging in defensive listening.
A very important note
We are often much better at recognizing defensive listening in others, more so than ourselves. When in conflict, humans have difficulty engaging in self-reflection, and often, both partners are engaging in defensive listening at the same time.
Likewise, sometimes we think our partner is engaging in defensive listening when we have actually said something offensive. Often, this is because we have not expressed our needs clearly. For example, instead of asking for help with chores, we may have said to our partner that they "never help". This is a global statement and often an attack on their character.
Why do we do it?
Like anger, frustration, and other secondary emotions, defensiveness is often the "tip of the iceberg": under the surface, there are some large feelings or beliefs:
- Insecurity or low self-esteem: We may feel insecure about an aspect of ourselves and interpret a neutral comment as our partner pointing out a personal flaw.
- Fear of being judged: We may have had a history of judgment or criticism, so we are primed to interpret comments as attacks.
- Unprocessed trauma: When this history is sustained for a prolonged period of time, we may see most interactions as attacks. Difficulty discerning comments from attacks is a common symptom of complex posttraumatic stress disorder.
- Feeling overwhelmed or underappreciated: When our plate is full, our partners' requests can feel like additional burdens. Defensive could be a way of saying "I'm at capacity" or "please notice me".
- Fear of losing our partner: If we feel that the relationship is in a vulnerable place, we could be hypervigilant for signs of disappointment or attack. Defensive listening could be our way of trying to "save" a relationship.
Importantly, when we engage in defensive listening, we are trying to protect our sense of self or beliefs. Ultimately, it is an insecure state to be in because we feel that some aspect of ourselves is at risk.
What isn't defensive listening?
Sometimes, defensive listening is mislabelled. We can look for and falsely identify defensive listening when it may not be occurring. Here are some examples of what is not defensive listening:
- Having a boundary or sharing a genuine need: Telling our partner we do not have the capacity or resources to do something kindly is not defensive.
- Expressing disappointment or another difficult feeling: Expressing a difficult feeling respectfully in a safe space is not defensive listening, but rather addressing something important in the relationship.
- Asking for assistance with something: Asking for help with a partner's request is a sign of awareness. We know our abilities and are asking for support.
- Asking for clarity: Sometimes, we may not hear our partner correctly or need some more help understanding.
- Our partner feels hurt by a hurtful comment: If someone is being offensive or hurtful, asking not to be treated that way is not defensive listening.
- Standing up to abusive behaviour: Our partner telling us to stop or removing themselves from abusive behaviour is definitely not defensive listening.
The emphasis here is on delivery. For example, disappointment can be expressed kindly or unkindly. This matters because often, both partners label each other as defensive to avoid accountability. Both people need to show up with kind honesty in order to work through difficult situations.
How to work with defensive listening
The goal isn’t to eliminate defensiveness entirely. Everyone gets prickly sometimes, and we are going to get defensiveness triggered in conflict all the time. The real aim is to notice when it’s happening - and respond mindfully.
There are numerous practical strategies to help turn the heat down when defensiveness is triggered. Here are a few:
- Pausing before reacting: Even if you think you aren't being defensive and your partner is, there is a good chance that you both are engaging in defensive behaviour and listening. Pausing and taking a breath helps slow the conversation down so you both can process information more fully (remember not to sigh at your partner!).
- Assume good intent: Even if it is as simple as reminding yourself that your partner is trying, assuming good intent is an effective way to turn defensiveness into support.
- Reflect back what you heard, kindly: reflecting makes us feel understood, and clarifies what was said. Feeling seen and heard is a powerful antidote to defensiveness.
- Name the feeling, not the accusation: instead of saying "you are attacking me", try naming what is going on for you. Is it sensitivity, vulnerability, disappointment, or something else?
Remember, you can fight each other, or you can fight the problem
As a therapist, I see countless defensiveness stand-offs, where both partners believe they are being "rational" and the other is being defensive. In these moments, I like to remind them that they can either fight each other or fight the problem. There is no prize for being right in a relationship.
Additionally, it is very important to realize that all of us (repeat: all of us) aren't as self-aware as we may believe when experiencing strong emotions. We all have biases that prevent us from truly seeing our defensiveness, so it is very important to keep things slow and kind. If you feel that your partner is being defensive, you may be too.
FAQs
What is defensive listening?
Defensive listening is interpreting neutral or positive communication from a partner as hostile or critical, often resulting in unnecessary conflict and disconnection.
What causes defensive listening?
Defensive listening is usually caused by insecurity, past relational wounds, fear of judgment, or unmet emotional needs.
How can I stop defensive listening with my partner?
You can interrupt defensive listening by pausing before reacting, assuming intent, asking clarifying questions, and using reflective listening to ensure understanding.
Is defensive listening always a problem?
Defensive listening becomes a problem when it repeatedly harms communication. Some situations require assertive self-protection, which is not the same as defensiveness.
How does couples therapy help?
Couples therapy is predominantly about insight and behaviour change. A trained and qualified therapist will help you and your partner identify when defensiveness is happening and help you reflect on what is going on "beneath the surface". When I see clients, I often like to encourage them to reflect on where this defensiveness may be coming from and what it is trying to protect. When we acknowledge this, both partners can work on helping each other instead of attacking.
Is defensive listening just a "relationship problem"?
Not at all. Defensive listening can occur not only with partners, but with friends, colleagues, family, and even strangers. Noticing and understanding defensive listening behaviour is essential to treating others with more kindness.
