Navigating the aftermath of infidelity is probably one of the most confusing and shocking parts of modern relationships. Expectations, identity, and betrayal all intersect, leaving many of us feeling overwhelmed and unsure about how - and when - to proceed with the process of repair. In this blog, a relationship expert at OurRitual explains how to get over getting cheated on, survive the aftermath, and move forward with clarity, trust, and self-compassion.
- Infidelity affects more than the relationship itself. It can disrupt trust, identity, and emotional safety, which is why the aftermath often feels overwhelming and disorienting.
- All forms of cheating can be deeply painful. Emotional and physical infidelity both matter, and your experience is valid regardless of how the betrayal occurred.
- You do not need to decide whether to stay or leave right away. Giving yourself time to process your emotions can lead to clearer and healthier decisions.
- Healing begins with self compassion and reflection. Acknowledging your feelings, setting boundaries, and seeking support are essential steps forward.
- Rebuilding trust is a gradual process. Whether the relationship continues or ends, trust is rebuilt through consistency, boundaries, and learning to feel safe again within yourself.
The pain of betrayal
Central to all instances of infidelity is the betrayal and a major rupture in trust. Whether it is one-off, occasional, or even chronic, every instance of finding out about infidelity stirs up a whole range of painful emotions. But why?
On the surface, it makes sense: relationships are built on trust, and no one likes being deceived.
But beneath this general unpleasantness is a wide variety of reasons:
- Localized breach of trust: As stated, this one is a big part of the pain of infidelity. Healthy relationships require trust and emotional attunement to survive, so it makes sense that any cheating causes damage.
- Broader concerns: The important thing to recognize is that the pain of infidelity is not localized to the cheating behavior. You may have experienced a lack of trust globally as a result of the cheating, which has called into question other aspects of the relationship that rely on trust, such as finances, legal support, or parenting arrangements.
- Identity shock: Cheating also calls into doubt held ideas about identity, both in relation to the partner ("I thought we were the sort of people who stay committed") and individually ("I thought I was the kind of person who would not be able to be tricked like this"). Both forms of identity shock create uncertainty and grief.
- Emotional turbulence: Conflicting emotions are bound to happen after infidelity, as your brain tries to process many seemingly incompatible emotions. You may be feeling combinations such as sadness and guilt, frustration and confusion, or even anger and relief at finally figuring things out.
The takeaway: infidelity creates a lot of hurt and pain, not only in the relationship but especially in the discovering partner (the one who finds out about the affair). By identifying these contributing factors, even in general terms, you can begin to process the emotions and identify the needs they are signaling.
Physical or emotional cheating...what's the difference?
Sometimes, cheating does not involve any breach of trust physically, and instead is purely emotional. At other times, it's the opposite. Navigating these two worlds can be difficult, and it can be easy to minimize our own feelings when it comes to one or both of these aspects. Our internal monologue may begin to sound like:
- "Well, it was just something physical - I shouldn't feel so bad."
- "They were just emotionally invested but didn't cross any lines physically - maybe I shouldn't feel so hurt."
It is very important to acknowledge that whatever feelings come up related to the cheating (no matter what form it took) are completely valid. No form of cheating is "too small" to not feel upset over, and it is very important to acknowledge this within yourself.
Unfortunately, there are also many cases where the cheating constitutes a blend of emotional and physical infidelity. The seeking partner (the one who cheated) may have sought both types of contact with someone outside of the relationship, which, in a lot of cases, can feel more painful as it calls into question both emotional and physical self-worth.
The most important thing to consider here is not "Is this hurt valid?" but rather "How does this particular behavior impact me?" For some of us, the physical aspects of infidelity can be more painful, and for others, the emotional side takes precedence. Whatever it is for you, it is important to tenderly explore this (either alone or with a therapist) to make sense of how the cheating has affected you and why.
Taking the first steps
After the initial shock of discovery, many of us are left with the seemingly inevitable question of whether to stay in the relationship or end it. It makes sense that our brains default to this: after all, they are designed to keep us safe, and oftentimes, safety involves removing ourselves from risky situations.
That said, we may not yet be ready to make sound decisions when emotions are so high. Cheating can make us feel powerless, and our first impulse isn't always the one we should act on. Excluding instances where immediate danger is present, deciding "what to do" about the cheating is a process that may need to be taken slowly, even if it is uncomfortable.
Quite often, we may decide to skip the reflection, gloss over processing the pain, and do whatever we can to not feel the feelings.
We may:
- Go on as if nothing had happened
- Lash out at our partner (so we don't feel the hurt)
- Avoid or minimize our feelings through substances, work, or distraction
- End the relationship prematurely to "get over it" quicker
The temptation is definitely there, especially when we consider how painful it can be to sit with the pain of cheating. Your partner will also be going through their own emotional processing, which can make things feel even more difficult.
The key action here is to go slow and be kind to yourself, no matter what that may look like. For example:
- Expressing hurt
- Letting yourself cry
- Acknowledging feelings of numbness
- Taking extra time for self-care
- Talking to a therapist or friends
- Taking some time for yourself to think
- Deciding to talk to your partner
- Deciding it's not the time to talk to your partner
The point is, there is no single "right" way to move forward here, and everyone grieves the relationship they thought they had in different (sometimes seemingly contradictory) ways. The essential part is acknowledging that variety is essential and seeking some form of balance. It is okay to need space, but we cannot isolate ourselves and hope to feel better. Likewise, we need to balance expression with reflection, and so on.
Learning how to trust again
Whether the relationship continues, rebuilding trust is essential after cheating.
It may not be our fault that trust was breached, but it is our responsibility to learn how to trust again in a healthy way moving forward.
Rebuilding trust isn’t about forgiving blindly or forgetting what happened in the past: it’s all about reclaiming your sense of safety and confidence one step at a time. Whether the relationship continues or ends, trust starts with you.
Some examples of how you can start to trust again in your life:
* Start small: Notice the areas in your life where you can trust yourself and others, such as daily routines, commitments, and even small promises. These are your building blocks.
* Set clear expectations: If your partner remains, outline what you need to feel secure again: transparency, consistent communication, and honesty about interactions that matter to you.
* Pay attention to your reactions and emotional triggers: Feeling suspicious, anxious, or angry is natural, so learning to pause, reflect, and respond deliberately are essential skill to getting ahead.
* Observe consistency: Trust can't be forced. It grows organically when actions match words over time. Watch for patterns, not isolated behaviors.
* Be patient with yourself: Trust doesn’t return overnight. Give yourself permission to feel hurt, angry, or cautious without judgment. The more you can do this, the better you can honor your own needs that these emotions point to.
In short, learning to trust again is less about giving trust back but more about cultivating security, both in yourself and in the relationships you have with others. The more you compassionately honor your own boundaries, engage in reflection, and foster self-respect, the easier it becomes to trust others...and yourself.
