et's face it: reigning in conflict is difficult. Conflict can become heated quickly, and - despite the number of times we argue with our partner - sometimes it can feel like things just keep going round and round without being resolved.
The good news is that many conflict patterns are predictable, and knowing this is key to de-escalating conflict effectively. Here are some of the top tips for conflict de-escalation from the team at OurRitual.
Conflict: Why do we get stuck?
Ever had that feeling where you know you don't want to fight with your partner, but you keep getting stuck in a reactive cycle? Then, when things cool down, you feel good in the relationship again? This is very common and a key indicator that conflict de-escalation may be the issue, rather than something else, like compatibility.
The issue is that, when we are stuck in reactivity, the narratives that come up during conflict are very hard to back down from. For example:
* "If only I push my case a little harder, they'll get what I'm talking about."
* "If I don't address it now, things will stay like this forever."
* "If I rephrase this in another way, it's finally going to land."
* "If this continues now, we will never resolve things."
Often, it all boils down to a narrative of "if". Like an emotional slot machine, we keep trying to "win" the conflict, only to lose again and again. You may wish to identify some of your own "if" beliefs that get you stuck in conflict. These are the things that keep you trying, again and again, to get things on course.
Understanding the unspoken beliefs behind our conflict is a key part of finally breaking free of escalated arguments. But why does it happen? If we look at our behaviour from a psychological perspective, we often get stuck in this repetitive behaviour because of a few reasons:
Our threat response is heightened, leading to a sense of urgency (not to mention those uncomfortable physical symptoms we have during conflict, like tension, numbness, and restlessness). Heightened stress also narrows our vision (both figuratively and literally), honing us in on our partner as "the problem".
We lose access to our ability to self-regulate and self-soothe. We turn to the problem (particularly resolving it) to make ourselves "feel better", as opposed to managing our own emotions as we would in other situations.
We struggle to self-reflect. You can see this one in action often - when stress is high, our prefrontal cortex (the part that enables us to think creatively and reflect on our choices) has less activity, blurring our thinking.
The bottom line: being stuck in conflict has less to do with "the issue" and more to do with the frustration that is being created and sustained. And when both partners are frustrated at each other, this impact is multiplied.
The key to conflict de-escalation is improving our own ability to regulate our emotional temperature first. That means putting problem-solving to the side for a little bit.
Top Conflict De-Escalation Techniques
De-escalation Technique 1: Slow things down
This is absolutely essential. The quicker the conflict is, the more stress we feel. And the more stress we feel, the easier it is to stay in conflict mode. Remember, conflict de-escalation is all about emotional regulation. Going slow helps this significantly.
Some ways to slow conflict down:
Speaking slower. Sounds basic, but it's a fundamental first step. The slower we speak, the less we overwhelm our partner...and ourselves. Speaking slower signals safety to our partner and ourselves, helping the two of you begin to self-regulate.
Being mindful of info-dumping. Some of us love a good list, and it can become very easy to list as many issues as possible during conflict. On average, the brain can hold 4-7 pieces of information (even if positive) at a time in working memory, and that is when we are relaxed! That capacity plummets when stressed. So, cut to the chase and keep it as simple as possible.
Listening and taking turns speaking. Sounds simple, but we rarely do it. In conflict, we often engage in defensive listening, thinking about a response to our partner instead of truly hearing what they have to say. By really focusing on what your partner is saying before responding, the conflict starts to slow down.
The good news is that we mirror our partner's behaviour. It only takes one person to slow a conflict down!
De-escalation Technique 2: Call it out
The tricky thing about reactivity is...well, its reactive nature. One partner says something snarky, the other takes offence and bites back, and the cycle continues. Or instead of talking, it may be stonewalling, withdrawing, or shutting down. Either way, both partners are adding fuel to the fire of conflict.
Sometimes the direct approach is needed, and we need to call it out when you both notice you're stuck in a cycle. The key here is all about the delivery. Some handy tips:
Emphasise the "we" over the "you". No one likes being told they are being defensive, and it is very rare for only one partner to be defensive in conflict. Something like "Hey, I feel like we are both starting to get stuck in a defensive cycle," can be an effective way to break out.
Remind them it's temporary. You may wish to call out the fact that, although the two of you are in a conflict cycle, you still feel love towards them. "You're frustrating me, and I'm probably frustrating you, but I just want to say I love you," can help soften things.
Invite your partner in. Instead of dictating the next step, check in with them. What would they like to do with this information? When it comes to minor squabbles, partners sometimes want to keep venting. Sometimes, we may wish to go on to conflict resolution.
The de-escalation technique of calling things out is an opportunity for both of you to start reflecting on the purpose of conflict. Together, the two of you become aware of the cycle and can decide what to do next.
De-escalation Technique 3: Empathetic listening
When we get down to it, conflict is all about how we handle invalidation. Our partner isn't acknowledging part of us, so we turn up the volume, shut down, or engage in any of our default responses to conflict.
The antidote? Validation. This often takes the form of empathetic listening and communication. For example:
Reflecting on the difficulties your partner shared with you. "I could only imagine how difficult that must be...I didn't mean for it to come across that way."
Being aware of physical cues. Often, in conflict, we send a whole range of nonverbal cues to our partner (averted eyes/staring, getting too close/too far away, raising our voice). All of these impact how validated our partner feels. Likewise, we can make our partner feel heard by maintaining appropriate eye contact, nodding, and showing we are listening.
Using "I feel" statements. These can work wonders in tense moments. Saying "I feel insecure when you do that" is much better than telling your partner that they are a horrible person. Keep it focused on the behaviours and how they make you feel.
So there we have it. When it comes to conflict de-escalation, always remember that it's about slowing things down, noticing and calling out the cycle, and empathetically communicating. Only when we feel heard and emotionally regulated can we really begin to tackle the significant issues.
FAQs
Is conflict de-escalation something that can be improved?
Definitely! Like other relationship skills, de-escalation techniques can be learnt over time. It is often best achieved through a combination of practicing de-escalation in the moment and discussing, ahead of conflict, how you and your partner would like to implement these techniques.
What if my partner will not get on board?
Recognising the need to de-escalate often takes time; however, if your partner is exhibiting aggressive behaviour, being abusive, or you feel that your safety is at risk, it is important to remove yourself from the situation and seek appropriate help.
How does couples therapy help?
Couples therapy or coaching is an opportunity for you and your partner to talk with a neutral, trained third party about conflict. A couples therapist can help the two of you reflect on common arguments during the session, supplying you with additional tips to de-escalate. They will also explore the root causes of conflict to help prevent unnecessary conflicts.
