ntimacy can take many forms in a relationship, and for some of us, some forms come more easily than others.
Physical and emotional intimacy are essential for fostering closeness between partners, but sustaining them in long-term relationships can be difficult. When physical intimacy drops, connection, trust, and closeness tend to follow.
The OurRitual team is here to help you understand the impacts of a lack of physical intimacy in a relationship and help you bring it back.
What is physical intimacy?
When we hear of physical intimacy in a relationship, our minds often jump to sex and desire. People use the term "physical intimacy" to refer to sex in a less abrupt way, especially when the topic feels taboo or inappropriate. But, in reality, physical intimacy has lots more to do than being just about sex.
Physical intimacy can take many forms in a relationship. For example, proximity. Proximity is the physical closeness (or distance) between you and your partner. Partners who are more proximal to each other report much greater levels of emotional closeness and safety, and this really does impact the health of a relationship.
With closeness comes safety, and when we are close, we are often engaging in incidental contact - those little touches on the thigh, shoulders rubbing. All of these things help our brains release oxytocin, the "love hormone". Physical closeness can really help here.
Additionally, physical intimacy can also consist of other forms of contact besides sex, such as hand-holding, hugging, and even massage. Depending on the situation we find ourselves in, these actions have the potential to remind our partner and ourselves that we are there for them.
Timing and context are crucial: we all have different expectations of what we consider acceptable amounts of physical intimacy, and this is totally normal. If there are big differences between partners, it’s essential to communicate what intimacy means to you and come to a mutual agreement.
All this isn't to say that sex isn't part of the equation. Sex is often considered the quintessential part of physical intimacy, and this makes sense for many good reasons. Sex helps us regulate stress, release endorphins, and focus our attention on ourselves, our partner, and the pleasure we feel with them.
Frankly, sex is important, but we often swing too far the other way and assume that sexual difficulties spell relationship disaster.
Peaks and troughs when it comes to our sex life with our significant other are a natural, expected part of long-term relationships. Throw in the stressors of parenting, finances, and conflict, and it makes sense why sex can be so difficult sometimes.
How a lack of intimacy impacts relationships
As said, physical intimacy can take many forms and mean very different things to different partners, so it makes sense that a lack of intimacy can impact us all a little differently. As a couples therapist, I have seen all sorts of results show up when physical intimacy is lacking.
Keep in mind: a lack of physical intimacy is in no way a valid excuse to cheat on a partner or open a relationship without consent. Many partners use a lack of sex or closeness to excuse these actions, which is simply not okay. Consent is always essential here.
Self-esteem
This is a big one, especially for those who feel a lot of validation when their partner touches them. For many of us, being touched indicates being wanted, desired, and attractive. For them, they equate intimacy with being a "good enough" partner: attractive enough, sexy enough, or even just pleasurable to touch.
When physical intimacy is lacking, these partners tend to internalize some negative beliefs about themselves. People may begin to see themselves as undesirable and become distant. Worse still, they may begin to look for physical validation outside of the relationship and engage in infidelity.
Communication difficulties
We often think of intimacy and communication as two separate, isolated things, but they are much more connected than we may originally assume. Communication difficulties can sometimes be the canary in the coalmine when it comes to a lack of physical intimacy - conversations become harder, more chances of mixed signals and misinterpretation, a sense of "Are we on the same page?". All of this can indicate that physical intimacy may be going through a lull.
Why is this the case?
This often comes from a lack of healthy vulnerability in the relationship. To be physically close requires us to be physically vulnerable, letting in affection and care. When we start to close off physically, our ability to be vulnerable does, too. Turning to our partner with our physical needs is similar to turning to them with our emotional ones: the two tend to go hand in hand.
Feelings of loneliness in the relationship
The longer a lack of physical intimacy goes unaddressed, the more we tend to withdraw from the relationship and from our partner. Just like how physical intimacy leaves us wanting more, the inverse is true as well. When repeated attempts at physical intimacy are refused, a partner may stop trying to get closer. This can lead to a sense of emptiness or loneliness in the relationship.
Importantly, it is acceptable to decline requests for intimacy, and it is not our responsibility to meet all of our partner's needs for physical closeness. The key difference is in how it’s discussed. Loneliness often results from refusals that minimise or pathologise the other partner's needs and requests.
How to fix intimacy issues
It can be difficult to come back from a lack of physical intimacy, but the good news is that a lot of things can help. One of the most effective ways to rebuild physical intimacy is to shift the focus. Many couples get stuck when they continue arguing about how often they have sex, when what really matters is what helps each partner feel open to physical intimacy in the first place. For some people, desire is spontaneous; it just occurs. For others, however, it comes after feeling relaxed, emotionally in tune, or soothed.
When couples stop treating desire as something that should just “appear” and instead start asking what helps it grow, intimacy becomes far less pressured and much more possible.
Another powerful step is to widen what counts as intimacy. Touch that is not aimed at achieving sex (cuddling, holding hands, sitting close) can help rebuild safety and connection. This kind of closeness releases oxytocin, reduces stress, and makes it easier for desire to emerge naturally over time. Many couples accidentally remove these small moments of physical closeness when sex becomes difficult, which only deepens the problem. Reintroducing low-stakes, affectionate touch is often one of the fastest ways to bring warmth and connection back into a relationship.
Working with a couples therapist can also be an essential part of repairing intimacy, especially when hurt, resentment, or long-standing patterns have built up around sex and closeness over time. A therapist provides a safe, neutral space where both partners can talk honestly about their needs without the conversation turning into blame or shutdown. Importantly, sexual intimacy therapy helps couples move beyond surface arguments about frequency or rejection and instead understand what intimacy means to each of them emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
With the right support, many couples find that intimacy doesn’t just return, but becomes better: more secure, more flexible, and more satisfying than before.
FAQs
What are the effects of a lack of physical intimacy in a relationship?
Self-esteem difficulties, loneliness, and communication challenges are common results of physical intimacy deficits in a relationship. These are often related to the physical acts themselves, as well as to what they represent, be it desire, respect, or vulnerability.
How do you know if your relationship lacks intimacy?
You will know if your relationship lacks intimacy if one or both partners consistently feel that physical closeness is lacking and that this is causing significant distress.
An important distinction: a lack of physical intimacy builds over months, not simply a few days without much physical connection.
Can a relationship without intimacy survive long-term?
Ultimately, no.
Although all relationships have a different constellation of physical and emotional intimacy needs, a relationship requires some level of mutual intimacy to survive. This is because intimacy, vulnerability, and closeness are all intertwined needs for a healthy relationship.
What are common causes of a lack of intimacy in couples?
Stress, conflict, resentment, unequal power dynamics: the list of causes of a lack of intimacy in relationships is endless. Recognizing and working with the specific causes of a lack of intimacy in your relationship is essential if you and your partner want to address it. A lack of intimacy can also be caused by some more "hidden" factors. Two that are worth considering are improperly communicated physical needs and hormonal changes. If you believe that these are the cause of physical intimacy issues in your relationship, you might want to work with a licensed professional.
When should we consider couples therapy for intimacy problems?
Like most decisions in a relationship, the decision to seek professional help from a couples therapist is a deeply personal one and depends on many factors.
Common "tipping points" when couples recognize that they need couples therapy are when intimacy difficulties lead to more resentment, are weaponized in conflict, or a couple is genuinely unsure how to address intimacy in their own relationship. Many couples opt for couples therapy after a couple of months of intimacy difficulties.
